How am I going to get a new job when Stephen Fry and Clarkson have got them all?

Stephen Fry is bloody everywhere.  I've noticed this because I've been back working in a bookshop and also I sometimes switch the telly on.  There was a Dickens spoof on the other night, and he was in that, he's on bloody QI and every time I pick up a Harry Potter audiobook his face is there looking intelligent on the back of it.  That's not to mention his autobiography which is rammed into just about every shelf we've got, and even Ruth got a copy for Christmas.

And Clarkson is everywhere too.  He's now into about Volume 53 of his rantathon, which has been going on for about the last hundred years.  And hie likes to periodically tell inappropriate jokes on the telly to get even more coverage, as if he wasn't getting enough coverage, by being on the telly already. 

There's a part in the film Demolition Man (which is set in the future) where Sandra Bullock tells Sylvester Stallone that all restaurants are now Taco Bell, because they won the franchise wars.  Well, if we're not careful in the future all we're going to have is Fry and Clarkson.  All fiction will be written by Fry, all non-fiction by Clarkson, all highbrow TV programmes will be presented by Fry, and all programmes about machines and stuff will be Clarkson. 

I don't know either of them.  They might be very nice people for all I know, who like to stroke kittens and give money to charity.  Stephen Fry has obviously got a big vocabulary and he's very clever, and 3 million people think he's worth following on Twitter, but he also looks a bit depressed and full of his own importance to me.  

And Clarkson likes to be oh so controversial and so not politically correct, but now Top Gear is just the same all the time.  Let's go to a foreign country and take some inappropriate cars and act like big kids and have a right laugh, and lets film it for the mugs back home.

And his books are just rants....Oh hang on, what's this?  It's a rant isn't it?

Okay I admit it.  I'm jealous of the two of them.  Because all those people out there, who are listening to them are not listening to me!  What have they got that I haven't?  I mean apart from about a billion quid each, and a network of friends and associates in the world of film and TV and the media to get their foot in the door for any project under the sun they fancy getting involved in.  What's that you say?  You've found a new species of chimp-eating spider in sub-Saharan Africa?  Get Fry and a film crew onto it right away!

But if the government wants to get us back to work, they could make Fry and Clarkson go back to only having one job each, and share their other jobs out between the rest of us.  Otherwise we're on the slippery slope, and it won't be long before we're all buying Clarkson lunchboxes and teabags brought to you in association with Stephen bloody Fry.

For the sake of balance, I should say this.  Keep up the good work Fry and Clarkson, and I wish you continued success in 2012.  I'm off to rummage down the back of the sofa now to see if I can find 50p so I can go buy an onion.