I wrote a blog post this week, but I didn't publish it because I thought it sounded too negative.
It was about how badly my job at HMV was going, compared to the one I had before at SLC, where I felt so much more at home.
Because I was hesitant about publishing the post, I asked Ruth how I would know if it was unduly negative. She suggested I read it out in a whiney voice to see if it sounded whiney. I said anything sounds whiney if you read it out in a whiney voice, so she said it was probably too negative then.
Anyway, in the end I decided to scrap that blog post, because I don't like moaning about other people if there's a chance that it's just a case of me not fitting in with them. And I'm glad I did scrap it, because it's only been two hours since I left, but already I feel less like whining. It helped that some of the staff were very nice to me as I left, and even though I'd only been there 2 weeks, they were grateful for the work I'd done, and that I'd seen out the week, even though I could have walked out sooner.
With hindsight I wonder if some of the fault was with my expectations. I thought HMV would be similar to Waterstone's because they used to be part of the same company but I couldn't have been more wrong. Apart from a similar computer system, it was worlds apart.
It was noisy and bright and shiny and I didn't understand all the technology and computer games they sell, and they play Radio 1 a lot, and they had Loose Women on the telly in the lunchroom, and it was sensory overload, and I just felt out of place. Like I was on the wrong channel, or having a connection failure.
I went there with the best of intentions but it was like going on a blind date, that you realise is a mistake the instant you walk in but you have to go through the motions of having a few drinks and a meal. Secretly you can't wait for it to be over, and you know you're totally unsuited right from the start, but you don't know how to say so without giving offence.
It's a lot easier with hindsight to say that jobs (and blind dates) are horrible blunders, and you can sit at home all you like dreaming of your ideal partner or your dream job, but sometimes you only know things are completely wrong by giving them a try. And so I did. And it was bloody horrible, and I felt like running away pretty much all the time I was there, and in the end I did.
Even though I felt like running away a lot, I only ran away very slowly, ie by working a week's notice, and today I even got to meet my replacement. It was a reassuring way for it to end, because he looked a lot happier to be there than I ever felt. He was joining in with conversations I had tended to avoid, and he seemed keen to impress and really glad to be on board, whereas I just felt continually lost at sea. Also, he really needs a job because he's got a baby on the way, and I was kind of glad to have moved aside for him. I hope things work out for him.
As well as feeling like a fish out of water these last few days, another aspect of this week that was quite strange was walking round Middlesbrough seeing a daily parade of people queuing up in mortar boards and gowns to get their degrees at the Town Hall. And a couple of times I took family photos for some of them, while they were waiting to go in, and as I said congratulations to them as I passed back their cameras, I wondered why they'd even trusted me with their cameras when some of them seemed to be really valuable, but then I thought either they were very trusting people who see the good in their fellow human beings, or they thought I didn't look like someone who was capable of running away very fast.
It was a bit of a contrast to the people hanging around outside the law courts only a few hundred yards away. They were also mostly smartly dressed, but they were doing things like going over their witness statements on the benches outside, and saying things to each other like 'All I did was hit him' and 'now we both have to make sure we tell the same story, or we're for the high jump'. Funny how people celebrating things gone right and people dealing with things gone wrong wound up being so close together.
I actually derived some vicarious enjoyment from seeing people all dressed up, and celebrating the achievement of academic success. It reminded me of being there with Ruth a few years ago, but it also made me sad that I hadn't made more of my own opportunities.
I sometimes wonder if my own lack of academic success is the reason why I'm still scratching around desperately for a job that fits me, but even if it is, there's no point kicking myself in the ass about it.
No time to dwell on things in any case. New job starts Monday.
It was about how badly my job at HMV was going, compared to the one I had before at SLC, where I felt so much more at home.
Because I was hesitant about publishing the post, I asked Ruth how I would know if it was unduly negative. She suggested I read it out in a whiney voice to see if it sounded whiney. I said anything sounds whiney if you read it out in a whiney voice, so she said it was probably too negative then.
Anyway, in the end I decided to scrap that blog post, because I don't like moaning about other people if there's a chance that it's just a case of me not fitting in with them. And I'm glad I did scrap it, because it's only been two hours since I left, but already I feel less like whining. It helped that some of the staff were very nice to me as I left, and even though I'd only been there 2 weeks, they were grateful for the work I'd done, and that I'd seen out the week, even though I could have walked out sooner.
With hindsight I wonder if some of the fault was with my expectations. I thought HMV would be similar to Waterstone's because they used to be part of the same company but I couldn't have been more wrong. Apart from a similar computer system, it was worlds apart.
It was noisy and bright and shiny and I didn't understand all the technology and computer games they sell, and they play Radio 1 a lot, and they had Loose Women on the telly in the lunchroom, and it was sensory overload, and I just felt out of place. Like I was on the wrong channel, or having a connection failure.
I went there with the best of intentions but it was like going on a blind date, that you realise is a mistake the instant you walk in but you have to go through the motions of having a few drinks and a meal. Secretly you can't wait for it to be over, and you know you're totally unsuited right from the start, but you don't know how to say so without giving offence.
It's a lot easier with hindsight to say that jobs (and blind dates) are horrible blunders, and you can sit at home all you like dreaming of your ideal partner or your dream job, but sometimes you only know things are completely wrong by giving them a try. And so I did. And it was bloody horrible, and I felt like running away pretty much all the time I was there, and in the end I did.
Even though I felt like running away a lot, I only ran away very slowly, ie by working a week's notice, and today I even got to meet my replacement. It was a reassuring way for it to end, because he looked a lot happier to be there than I ever felt. He was joining in with conversations I had tended to avoid, and he seemed keen to impress and really glad to be on board, whereas I just felt continually lost at sea. Also, he really needs a job because he's got a baby on the way, and I was kind of glad to have moved aside for him. I hope things work out for him.
As well as feeling like a fish out of water these last few days, another aspect of this week that was quite strange was walking round Middlesbrough seeing a daily parade of people queuing up in mortar boards and gowns to get their degrees at the Town Hall. And a couple of times I took family photos for some of them, while they were waiting to go in, and as I said congratulations to them as I passed back their cameras, I wondered why they'd even trusted me with their cameras when some of them seemed to be really valuable, but then I thought either they were very trusting people who see the good in their fellow human beings, or they thought I didn't look like someone who was capable of running away very fast.
It was a bit of a contrast to the people hanging around outside the law courts only a few hundred yards away. They were also mostly smartly dressed, but they were doing things like going over their witness statements on the benches outside, and saying things to each other like 'All I did was hit him' and 'now we both have to make sure we tell the same story, or we're for the high jump'. Funny how people celebrating things gone right and people dealing with things gone wrong wound up being so close together.
I actually derived some vicarious enjoyment from seeing people all dressed up, and celebrating the achievement of academic success. It reminded me of being there with Ruth a few years ago, but it also made me sad that I hadn't made more of my own opportunities.
I sometimes wonder if my own lack of academic success is the reason why I'm still scratching around desperately for a job that fits me, but even if it is, there's no point kicking myself in the ass about it.
No time to dwell on things in any case. New job starts Monday.
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