I've just had my bones scanned by possibly the most humourless woman on the planet.
I wasn't expecting cabaret or anything, but a bit of friendly banter would have been nice.
Considering I had to unfasten my trousers and have a laser shot at me (which is a slightly unnerving experience) a few words of introduction would have been nice.
It may have been the fact that I've been talking about action movies all afternoon but the above scenario did remind me a bit of the scene in Goldfinger where James Bond aka Sean Connery is about to be lasered in half, and he says to Goldfinger 'Do you expect me to talk?' and Goldfinger says 'No, I expect you to die, but I'm not hanging around to make sure it happens because I'm off to blow the shit out of Fort Knox, and even though it would be a good idea to make sure that any enemies I've got are six feet under before I start, especially if they've got a licence to kill my ass, I'm not going to bother to put the effort in and wait 5 minutes for your body to be cut in half, so I'm off. See ya!'.
I wasn't expecting this poor NHS woman to enter into some sort of action movie role-play with me, my expectations of hospitals aren't that high, but it would have been nice if she'd just passed the time of day with me, and said something like 'I just need you to lie down on this bed for a bit while I fire a laser at you, it totally won't hurt and it will only take a few minutes and there's absolutely nothing to worry about'. Just something like that.
I didn't want her to ask where I went for my holidays, or if I've got any pets, like she might have done if she was cutting my hair, but just something. By the way, I have a theory about hairdressers, which is that they make conversation with you to help ease the awkwardness which arises from touching a complete stranger's head.
And if there's a small amount of unease which comes about from being touched on the head, imagine if you will the slightly larger portion of unease that is felt by being asked to unbutton your trousers, empty your pockets, lift up your shirt and wait for a laser to be fired at you.
Under the circumstances, establishing a bit of rapport with me first would have been nice. I haven't felt so processed since I went to the all you can eat Chinese buffet at the Banana Leaf in Middlesbrough. By the time I crawled out of there heaving under the weight of barbecued spare ribs and overpriced drinks I could barely fold myself into the car to drive home....I felt positively violated.
But that's another story...
I wasn't expecting cabaret or anything, but a bit of friendly banter would have been nice.
Considering I had to unfasten my trousers and have a laser shot at me (which is a slightly unnerving experience) a few words of introduction would have been nice.
It may have been the fact that I've been talking about action movies all afternoon but the above scenario did remind me a bit of the scene in Goldfinger where James Bond aka Sean Connery is about to be lasered in half, and he says to Goldfinger 'Do you expect me to talk?' and Goldfinger says 'No, I expect you to die, but I'm not hanging around to make sure it happens because I'm off to blow the shit out of Fort Knox, and even though it would be a good idea to make sure that any enemies I've got are six feet under before I start, especially if they've got a licence to kill my ass, I'm not going to bother to put the effort in and wait 5 minutes for your body to be cut in half, so I'm off. See ya!'.
I wasn't expecting this poor NHS woman to enter into some sort of action movie role-play with me, my expectations of hospitals aren't that high, but it would have been nice if she'd just passed the time of day with me, and said something like 'I just need you to lie down on this bed for a bit while I fire a laser at you, it totally won't hurt and it will only take a few minutes and there's absolutely nothing to worry about'. Just something like that.
I didn't want her to ask where I went for my holidays, or if I've got any pets, like she might have done if she was cutting my hair, but just something. By the way, I have a theory about hairdressers, which is that they make conversation with you to help ease the awkwardness which arises from touching a complete stranger's head.
And if there's a small amount of unease which comes about from being touched on the head, imagine if you will the slightly larger portion of unease that is felt by being asked to unbutton your trousers, empty your pockets, lift up your shirt and wait for a laser to be fired at you.
Under the circumstances, establishing a bit of rapport with me first would have been nice. I haven't felt so processed since I went to the all you can eat Chinese buffet at the Banana Leaf in Middlesbrough. By the time I crawled out of there heaving under the weight of barbecued spare ribs and overpriced drinks I could barely fold myself into the car to drive home....I felt positively violated.
But that's another story...
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