Running and remembering - Still trying to be better than my 18 year old self

On Sunday I ran the Leeds Abbey Dash 10K.  It's the 4th time I've done it, but the first time with Joy. It was really nice to stand around with her at the beginning chatting and feeling happy and being in a good mood, because that stopped me being so curmudgeonly about the warm-up aerobics and the chirpiness of the DJ trying to get everyone in the mood. Often when I stand around on my own, I feel quite grumpy about those things. It was also really nice that the official photographer decided to capture the moment. I sometimes find it hard to be both happy and relaxed at the same time, so it's nice to have some evidence of it.

Sunday was the 4th anniversary of my second date with Joy, when we went to Huddersfield for fruit beer and Mexican food, and so it was nice to spend the anniversary together doing the Abbey Dash.

I still have it in my head that, when I was 18, I ran a 10k in 47 minutes (with Fraser Pike in our school rugby shirts that we had borrowed from school and which we should have already handed back). Unfortunately for us, the 10k route went past the kitchen window of our rugby master's house, and he saw that we were wearing the shirts and asked for them back on the following Monday. I'd like to think that we weren't planning to steal them, but just that we were proud of our school, and of playing rugby for it, and that's why we wore them. In truth, the 47 minutes could be just a fake memory, because there were no timing chips in those days, and all I have is a vague recollection of looking at my watch at the finish and it being less than 50 minutes since we'd set off.

Anyway, I keep thinking that it's possible that my now 50 year old self can still run as fast as my 18 year old self, and each year when I do the Abbey Dash I try. So my ultimate goal is to run it faster than 47 minutes, but I'm working on it in increments, so this year I thought I'd aim for 50 minutes.

In my 3 previous attempts I've done it in 57:42, 51:05 and 51:30.  This year I was slightly outside my 50 minute target as I finished in 50:19. But I decided not to be disappointed with that, because I ran as fast as I could on the day. I didn't keep any effort in reserve. I used it all up.

Some people don't care about how fast they run, but for me it's a big motivating factor. And the fact that Parkrun is measured helps to keep me wanting to improve. For a really long time I couldn't run 5K in less than 24 minutes, but then this year I've done it about 15 times. There could be various reasons why I'm running faster this year, but maybe the most important thing is Persistence. I just keep running. And regularly.

I used to run when I was at school, but mostly only when they made us run cross country 3 times a year, and a few other times in the summer each year before the Rugby Season started but I never ran consistently.  Entering that 10k in April 1986 with Fraser was very much a one-off.

In 1994 I took up running briefly, but as was predicted by my wife at the time, I soon gave up. Again, I started briefly in 2002, but gave up then too.  And until I started Parkrun in 2014 I never ran again.  Now it's a really important part of my life.

Last night I got my 100 Parkruns milestone T-shirt in the post. I'm actually up to 143 but they've had a backlog at sending out the T-shirts. I think the fact that I've done 143 suggests it's not just a flash in the pan.

Two years ago the Abbey Dash was on the 2nd anniversary of my mum dying, and it was after moving back to Leeds in 2014 that I started running in the first place, in order to be doing something active in the time that I wasn't stuck inside my mum's house watching gameshows with her.  Her lungs and knees were knackered by then, and even walking to the car would leave her out of breath, so every time I run, then and now, I remember to value the fact that I'm able to do it. I'm not sure if Forrest Gump ran for any particular reason, or if he just set off, but for me, I run because I can.

Lawnswood Garden of Remembrance - Plot H8 180. 

Yesterday was the 4th Anniversary of my mum dying and I went up the Garden of Remembrance, to see the place where the ashes of both my mum and dad are scattered. I like to go up there on the birthdays and the other anniversaries and special days. It's not exactly that I think that my mum and dad are still there, but it helps to have a place to go, to acknowledge that I still remember them. I felt quite peaceful while I was up there yesterday. I spent some time texting Joy and my brother Phil, to tell them how I was feeling, and I ate a banana.

While I was walking round there yesterday, I did feel sad. But I felt happy too. I felt happy that I grew up in the house that I did, where I always felt loved, and where there was always laughter. We were always able to laugh at things, even sometimes awful things. And at each other.  It was the best gift I got as a child, that ability to not take setbacks too much to heart. Some people are so earnest about everything all the time, so outraged and offended at the slightest thing. We managed things by not being like that. In all the stories the three of us used to tell each other, we chose to mostly only remember the funny bits.  We let the sad parts go.

It's a strange feeling being at the Garden of Remembrance. It almost exists outside Time. I was 50 when I was there yesterday, but I could have been any age. I still felt like the child of my parents. Walking around with a rucksack full of books, I could have still been at school.

The crematorium at Lawnswood, where my parents went to rest, is right next door to the old school playing fields, where I first was made to run cross country. In those days I hated it, but who knew that one day I would do it for fun?  When I started running in 2014, it partly grew out of my experience of being indoors for long periods with my mum who couldn't get out much. Her main leisure activities had always been watching TV, going to the pub or going shopping. Getting outside and exercising only happened incidentally while carrying home bags of shopping. I feel lucky that my life isn't like that. That I have so many opportunities that she didn't.

I'm a student now, at Leeds University. I could have gone to Uni when I was 18, but for reasons that made sense at the time, I didn't. So now aged 50 I'm back at the same place in life I could have been then. In terms of Geographical space, I haven't moved very far in 30 odd years. My University is right next door to the school I used to go to.  I didn't know what the future held then, in 1986, I guess if I had any idea at all, it was that I wanted to be a success at something. I still want that now.

As for running, I still want to be a success at that too.  I don't know if I'll ever beat the mythical time of 47 minutes that my 18 year old self may or may not have run, but even if that time never happened, even if it's a fake memory, it's still good to have something to aim for.

Have I learned anything from two years at University?

This is me. Even though most people tell me I don't look it, I'm 50 years old.  And about to start my 3rd Year as a full-time student at University of Leeds.

This is me in 2018

I could have gone to Uni in 1986 when I was 18 but I chose not to, for reasons which made sense at the time, but which I regretted on and off for 30 years. I decided a couple of years ago, in 2016, that 30 years of regret was enough, and so here I am.

I'm studying for a BA in Linguistics and Phonetics and everyone else who started the course at the same time as me is a school leaver.  Although I did have some anxiety about the academic side of things, by far my greatest fears were about adapting to the social side.  I was scared of being stared at for being old and scared of being treated like an oddity. The desire to fit in is not unique to young people. I feel it too. I want to be accepted and valued, just like anyone else.

The first 6 weeks of Year One were the worst. I'm not blaming anyone on my course for that. If I was aged 18 and away from home for the first time, I wouldn't want to make it a top priority to befriend someone the same age as my parents either. At first, when they were all asking each other what halls they were in, and sending each other friend requests on Facebook, they would occasionally catch my eye, but then, unable to process my old face, look away. The few minutes before lectures were the worst, the standing around in the corridor, feeling self-conscious and like I was wearing a massive sign saying ‘I don't belong’, while everyone else seemed to be chatting away.  Although when I looked closer, not everyone was chatting and having fun. There were lots of young people standing around on their own too.

I think the reason it got easier after 6 weeks was that my classmates and I started talking about the subject more and so age wasn't so important. Also, it’s simple adaptation. You get used to things. I got used to the people on my course, and they got used to me. Now I’ve got to know them, I actually really like them, and time spent with them is good fun.  So I’m glad I stuck at it long enough to get to know them.  Looking back, I think the age barrier was a lot bigger problem inside my own head, than it was to any of my classmates. I don't think they ever got in a sweat about it like I used to.

Everyone’s experience of University is unique.  I know that lots of people face really serious challenges to their mental health during University, and I'm not trying to minimise that.  If you suffer from crippling social anxiety or you're in a deep depression, you're not going to just read something for 5 minutes and snap out of it. But maybe at least if you can relate a little bit to my ups and downs, you won't feel so alone at the times when things get on top of you.  

1.     University is not school

This was me in 1980

I loved school. I had a close group of friends who were the same age as me who I pretty much spent the whole week with. I had all my lessons with them, I played rugby with them at weekends and they were my social group outside of school as well. So school was great. At University, I often struggle to see the people on my course more than a couple of times a week. A lot of our lectures are only on Mondays and Tuesdays so after Tuesday I may not see them again till the next week. And most of the academic work I have to do, is just me alone in the library with some books and a computer. There's nothing social about it. Just getting the majority of my work done in that solitary way is very different from school. And the holidays are long. Mostly, the people on my course go home for the holidays and the library becomes empty, and without the structure of lectures, it can be hard to keep a routine and stay on track with revision and assignments. 

2.     It's okay not to have a good time.

Expectation can kill you.

I find birthdays, Christmas and going on holiday all stressful, because of the expectation that I'm supposed to be having a good time. University is like that too. A lot of people, especially young people seem to be told that they're going to have the time of their lives at Uni, which can make the difficult times even harder. I enjoy birthdays more when I tell myself that 'it's okay NOT to have a good time', It takes the pressure off and removes the weight of expectation. If you're not enjoying it, be honest with yourself. Don’t pretend.

3.     Join in but be yourself! And don't get drunk if you don't want to!

Despite initially not speaking to anyone on my course, I was quite pro-active in joining societies. I joined the Japanese Society (because I was interested in Japan) and I also joined the Mature Students' Society (because I'm old) and I also went to a lot of activities organised by the Lifelong Learning Centre. 

At Leeds, as I’m sure is typical of many universities, a lot of the social events revolve around drinking. Going on pub crawls, to clubs etc, mostly late at night. I don’t drink and I don’t like late nights, so these type of events are not for me. So, I don’t go. I don’t want to make my potential social awkwardness worse by being in an environment that makes me feel uncomfortable, so I don’t go. I’m much more likely to be able to hold a conversation if I’m in a place I can relax in. So I look for events in the daytime, or in the early evening (for example Global Café), events where I can drink coffee or tea instead of beer, and where conversation is possible because I am not surrounded by deafening music. And those are the things I go to. 

And when I do go to social events, I don't wait for people to talk to me. I often talk to them first. I'm open to the possibility that they might be feeling just as awkward as me, I’ve been to some social events where I’ve felt like I was stood around under a big sign saying ‘Awkward Loser’ where I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, but on the other hand, I’ve had some brilliant conversations with people from all over the world. Don’t let one bad experience put you off trying again. Just ask people you meet about themselves. And be interested in their responses! They might have completely different life experiences to you or they might inspire you by sharing a passion or enthusiasm for something that you'd never considered could be exciting. They might just teach you something. Be open minded! And listen!

4. Lack of structure and routine can be a problem

Many of the jobs I've had in the past were quite low paid and lacking in any responsibility outside of my set working hours. So, life was very clearly defined into Work Time and Free Time. I wasn't in any doubt which was which. Whereas a lot of Uni is bits and pieces. Lectures occasionally, but a lot of reading, researching, and also a lot of time just mulling things over.  The lack of structure is particularly bad for me in the holidays, and often the times you're supposed to be enjoying yourselves, like Christmas and Easter are when you're bogged down in revision and assignments. From the outside looking in, it seems like you've got lots of time off, but it doesn't work that way.

5.     Don't let yourself go to Extremes

In some ways, University for me has been a mountain top experience.  Sometimes I'm on top of the mountain, and sometimes the mountain is on top of me. But I try not to take either one too seriously.

If you have a bad hour, or a bad day, or a bad week, don't overreact. Similarly, if something goes great, a fantastic result in an assignment or a good exam mark, don't get too carried away. Ups and downs are normal, and sometimes they will feel extreme, but don't dwell on the extremes. Life is usually somewhere in the middle. Try and find a happy medium. Or even a tolerable medium. 

6.     If you need to run away for a while, remember to come back!

I often just wanted to run away, to get off campus, to not be anywhere near the University environment. And sometimes I did run away. For an hour, or for the rest of the day. I still feel like that. Sometimes I just can't stand it. So, if you feel like that, run away! But remember to come back! Just take some time out. Go to a park, or the town centre, or do something outside of Uni life.

7.     Get outside the Uni bubble: It will help give a sense of perspective.

In my first week at Uni, I joined a group called Students into Schools. I spend some time each week volunteering in a primary school, helping children with English and Maths. In the past, I've also volunteered at Conversation groups for old people, and refugees. It's a good thing if your whole life doesn't revolve around University. Don't forget the world outside the campus.

Talking to other people, and more importantly listening, and paying attention to them, can help you get a sense of perspective. Everyone has problems, try not to get bogged down in your own. Try not to obsess over your own anxieties. A lot of the children I work with don't have English as a first language. Some of them come to school on their first day and they don't know a single word of English. Trying to see life from their point of view helps me not to take my own worries so seriously.   I've also spent a lot of time talking to foreign students, who face all the same problems as UK students, except they're also much, much further away from home, in addition to which, they find themselves in a strange cultural environment, among the English, who if you look at them from the outside, do some pretty weird stuff.  Seeing myself reflected through other people and other cultures, stops me thinking that the way I do things is the right and only way.

8.     Facebook and Instagram aren't real

If you use social networking, remember that people mostly only show you the highlights on there. They don't show you 99% of the day to day crap they're going through. Just amazing holiday locations, and pictures of themselves in their best clothes, dressed up for a night out. Try to talk to people in the real world, face to face. It's a lot more real, and a lot more fun.

9.      Get out more

I once read a quote that said 'Despair cannot come to a man who walks'. I don't know if it's true, but I always feel better if I'm outside and moving. Getting some fresh air won't solve any of your problems, but it might make you worry less. I also take part in Parkrun every Saturday, which is another fantastic (and free) way of getting some exercise.

10.    Do some work!

I like having people to talk to, the social side of University, but I’m also here to study. And a lot of the time I have trouble getting my head round what I’m supposed to be learning. But I do apply myself to the work, because of

a)     The Joy of Finding Things Out. I really like learning new things, and particularly seeing patterns in language.

b)     It makes life easier if you understand things. One important step for me when learning is when I start to at least understand things well enough to be able to explain what it is I don’t understand. Actually understanding things comes a lot later if at all. One of my favourite quotations is from Einstein, who said that ‘If you can’t explain things simply, you don’t understand it well enough’. I like trying to understand things to the point where I could explain it to someone who knows absolutely nothing about it.

In terms of work, I found Year One quite hard, and Year Two much harder. In fact, I almost fell apart completely twice during Year Two, but in the end I managed to come out with good results, results which don’t reflect the turmoil I felt much of the time. Despite doing well, I’m nervous about starting Year 3, because it’s a clean slate and I have to do it all again. But I know lots of people now, who I'll be happy to see when I get back.  I’m also excited and enthusiastic about the subject, and hopefully that will help me through.

11.  Be grey, but don't let your grey turn to black

It’s possible that Uni isn’t for everyone. For some people the choice may be very black and white. Quite possibly there are people who love it all the way through. Then again there may be others who start it and then realise it’s all a horrible mistake and are 100% sure of that and give up right away, or alternatively, they don't come in the first place. 

But the people I’m concerned about are the Greys. The people in between like me, who sometimes love it and sometimes hate it, and whose experience could go either way during their time there, but who I wouldn’t want to see give up too soon. Because often things that are really difficult at the time are the things you look back on, and are glad you did them.  It’s those people I’m hoping to encourage to keep going, and not give in. 

12. Don’t stop looking for a place you fit into

The best thing about University is that it’s a big place. With lots of things to do, and thousands of people to meet. There’s something and someone for everyone, so don’t stop looking. Don’t let your insecurities hold you back. Even if it’s painful to keep trying to make connections, try anyway. 

It's difficult to sum up two years in a few minutes, but overall that's what it's been like for me. 

Good luck!

Beware the Ides of March

This is my second attempt at writing this blog post.  The first attempt was exactly 6 years ago today.  The words were different then, but the sentiment is the same.  My life was different then too, but that's not important right now.  Six years ago I'd just watched Airplane the night before.  This is my favourite bit from that film.   airplane iron boot

It's ironic that I was watching Airplane six years ago, because in an alternative version of my life, I'd be on a plane right now.  From Manchester to New York. On a holiday that was booked last Autumn.  But in this version of my life, I broke up in December with the person who booked it, so I'm not going.

Anyway, however I feel about that, I'm not having as bad a day as Julius Caesar had on 15th March 44 BC.  That was the day he got assassinated.  In the Roman calendar of the time, 15th March was known as the Ides of March.  And it's where Shakespeare got the expression 'Beware the Ides of March'.

I read a statistic years ago that said that early Spring is a time when suicides increase, the theory being that people hang on through the grimness of the Winter but then the beginning of Spring gives them just enough energy and impetus to end it all.  It may seem counter-intuitive, however, I have a theory about that.  It's all to do with expectation.  My own view is that psychologically speaking, March is a very difficult month in Britain.  After September, we strap ourselves in for the Autumn, the cold and dark of October and November, and then love it or hate it, we're preoccupied for all of December with the car crash that Christmas can be, and then we also steel ourselves for January and February, knowing that's when the Winter is supposed to be.  But then when we get to March, we think we've almost made it!  And we think it will get better.  But then especially this year, it's like living in Siberia!  I've lost 3 hats this Winter.  For some reason I never lose keys or my wallet, but I often lose hats.  Last Winter was a One Hat Winter, I only lost one hat.  This Winter I've lost three, which indicates its severity.  I'm not buying another one, and yet two thirds of the days in March I haven't been able to feel my face.

I believe it's the expectation that kills us. I'm at University at the moment, and I think part of the problem with being here is also expectation. Especially young people are told they'll have the time of their lives, but then when it turns out to be a giant dog's breakfast it's much worse.  It would be better if people said to them. 'University will be just like the rest of your life.  Sometimes really good, sometimes shit, sometimes both at once'.  I find there's a similar problem with expectation and the cinema too.  Some of the best films I've seen were the ones I saw because I went with someone who really fancied it, and seeing it was easier than arguing.  And some of the worst ones were the ones I chose, and which I really looked forward to, which were a massive let down.

Mothers' Day is in March too.  And that can be just as much of a car crash as Christmas.  It's great if you've got a mum, or if you are a mum, and your relationships are functional, but it's a lot less fun if your mum's dead or she's alive but you don't get on, or if your kids hate you.

I like April though.  Along with May they're the best two months we have in England.  And my birthday is in April, so I'm usually in a good mood for most of the month.  Although I hate the day itself, because like Christmas I put myself under pressure to have a good time, and I think things like 'I haven't enjoyed myself in the last 10 minutes, this is a disaster'.  I need to remember (and so do you) that it's okay to have a terrible birthday, just like it's okay to have a terrible Christmas, and a terrible Mothers' Day.  There are plenty of other days, enjoy some of them instead.

So, anyway, although no-one has ever tried to stab me while I was wearing a toga, I generally hate the period around the middle of March.  I hate it, because it's never as good as I expected.

Six years ago I had been feeling depressed and hopeless in the middle of March, like I have at times this year.  I felt useless and like my life didn't have a point.

But then in the evening I watched Airplane.  And it was as silly as ever.  And I laughed, especially at the end where Robert Stack asks Robert Hays if he knows what it's like to be face down in the mud getting kicked in the head with an iron boot and then he says, of course you don't, no-one does, because it never happens.  And I laughed.  And I realised it's not happening to me either.

airplane iron boot,

I have an analogy I like to use about mental health.  It's like in life we have two buckets.  One bucket is labelled 'Reasons to give up', and the other bucket is labelled 'Reasons to keep going'.  In the Reasons to give up bucket we can put all our sadness and all our regrets, all the people we've lost who we miss, and all the things we used to have which we don't have any more, all the mistakes we've made and all the times we've failed.

And then in the other bucket we put the 'Reasons to keep going'.  People we still love, things we enjoy doing, things that make us feel alive'.  And as long as there is more in the 'Reasons to keep going' bucket we'll be okay.  And if there isn't enough in the 'Reasons to keep going' bucket, we need to look harder.

The aeroplane I could have been on to New York has, while I have been writing this, left the gate.  Because I threw that chance away, I wasn't on it, I was in the library at Leeds University, where I often am these days.  Sometimes I come here just to get warm, and to look for missing hats.  But also because I like learning and trying to understand things.  And 'The Joy of Finding Things Out' is one of the things that is in 'My Reasons to keep going' bucket.  Along with running, and learning Spanish, and seeing good films, and teaching children how to speak English, and going to the football with my brother (even though Leeds United are terrible).  All of that doesn't seem very much at the moment, but for now it will have to be enough.

Success and Failure - Brother and Sister or Distant Cousins?

I got some exam / assignment results yesterday.  Some were really good, and some were not.

But before I talk about that, here's a clip from the Matrix.

He is the one

Before you get excited, I don't think I am the one.  But if you look at what happens 1 minute 4 in, to me that's what learning is.  You've been fighting with something and staring and staring at it for ages, and then suddenly you get an insight, and it starts to make sense.

I'm currently sitting in the Brotherton Library at Leeds University, a place I spend most of my time these days.  The year is 2018.  In 1986 I got kicked out of this exact same place by Security.  I was at school, doing my A Levels, less than a mile away and I came in for a look round, with my friend Andrew.  The fact that we were wearing ties should have been a clue that we weren't students.  Anyway, they didn't have electronic barriers and keycards then, and I can always remember what the Security Man said to me.  He said 'Get out, you don't belong'. 

I had a similar feeling of not belonging when I missed the UCAS deadline in February 2016, and the Admissions Team here were doubtful about letting me in, because my A Levels were so long ago.  They sat on my application for about 2 months without giving me an answer, and they wanted me to do a Foundation Year Degree instead.  Eventually because I kept pestering them, they offered me a 15 minute Skype interview, to shut me up, but that just annoyed me and I said 'Look, I want to do Linguistics, and I live a mile away.  Either I'm worth seeing in person, or I'm not.  I want to come in and speak to someone in person, and if I'm going to get turned down, at least turn me down in person'.  And that could have gone either way, they could have said 'Get lost', but they saw me, and now I'm here.

Another memory from school.  I used to do Art but I was rubbish at it, too rubbish to even do O Level.  I once drew a picture of a tree and my Art Teacher Mr Gedling said to me 'I've been an Art Teacher for 30 years and that's the worst picture of a tree I've ever seen'. 

The third memory from school.  When I was doing 'O' Level Maths I really struggled with calculus, and by the May half term before the exam I really wasn't getting it, so I brought home a load of past papers and spent most of half term at the kitchen table, doing them over and over again.  And at some point I understood it.  I kept looking and not understanding, but then somewhere in there, I could see the patterns and the rules.

Revising for Syntax a few weeks ago was a lot like trying to understand Calculus.  All I could see was complexity.  But I kept staring and staring, and I thought, if even two years olds can master how to put a sentence together, the rules must be in there somewhere.  And after staring for days and days it started to look a lot simpler.  Things started to connect into patterns and rules and I started to see the structure.  It sort of clicked.  It was the best part of learning, it was the 'Joy of Finding Things out'.

Einstein, who could see patterns no-one else could in the Universe, said that 'If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough'.  And with Syntax that became my goal. To understand it well enough to be able to explain it.  Syntax is also about drawing trees.  And at first my trees were as bad as my terrible Art Tree from 1983.  But the more I practised, the easier they got.  And I realised Mr Gedling, that when you taught me in 1983 it wasn't that I couldn't draw trees, it was that I hadn't found the right kind of tree to draw yet.

And so I did well in my Syntax exam.  I got over 90%.  For a while at least, I was like Neo at the end of the Matrix.  I didn't just see the Matrix, I saw the structure behind it.  And when I feel like that, I know what I'm here for, and I belong.  The problem was, I should have left it longer after getting the good result to look at my other ones, because as near to the top of the class as I was in Syntax, well that was as close to the bottom as I was in some of my others.  So overall, I am fairly average, and therefore not 'the One'.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm here.  I wonder if University is a colossal waste of time and money, and whether I'm just going to wind up penniless and under a mountain of debt in the future, for no reason.  And that's pretty much how I feel when I get bad results.  But when I stare and stare at the structure of things, and it starts to make sense, I know what I'm here for.

There's no consistency in me.  I feel both those things almost every day.  Both that I'm doing the work I was born to do, and also that I'm wasting my time.  Sometimes I think both those things in the same minute. 

I'm capable of drawing the best trees and the worst. I don't belong and then I do.  I fail and fail and then I pass, and then I fail some more.  I stare and stare at complexity with no idea of what I'm doing, and then occasionally I get a snapshot of the simplicity inside.  I suppose that's what Education is, and also Life too.