Tuesday 24 June 2014

Marie Curie Coast to Coast - In the Night Garden meets Man vs Food

It's fair to say I probably underestimated how hard this weekend's coast to coast would be. Apart from the beginner's routes at Dalby and Hamsterley Forests where I usually get overtaken by little kids with stabilisers, and a bit of riding up and down kerbs occasionally, I don't really do off road.  Technical riding is not a concept I'm even remotely familiar with.

Roads?  Where we're going, we don't need roads!
Part of this underestimation led me to think it would be no biggy to cycle 52 miles to Helmsley with luggage the day before the ride in order to catch the bus to Grange over Sands.  Some of this decision was undoubtedly due to my aversion / borderline phobia of getting on trains with my bike.  I can't stand all the staring competitions and jockeying for position on the platform.

Even I should be able to find Helmsley from here....
I set off for Helmsley at 8 am on Thursday.  I stopped at halfway at Beningborough Hall for a big bowl of porridge, but even taking my time I was in Helmsley by around 2.30.  I was way too early and I was having that first day of school feeling.  For a while I thought I might just cycle home again.

Something tells me that pannier is going to be well within the 20kg  baggage allowance
Eventually people starting arriving and as I watched them unloading mountain bikes from car racks and out of the boots of cars, I thought, this is probably my lot.  Predominantly the riders seemed to be very athletic looking women with virtually no body fat.  Holy shit, I thought, these guys don't look like the kind of part time pot bellied middle aged joke riders I'm used to riding with, they look like proper athletes.  Not only do I not know anyone, I'm going to get killed.

Whose idea was this again?
No-one else was in cycling kit but me, since no-one else is nuts enough to prepare for a cycling challenge by doing unnecessary miles the day before.  When someone asked me about it, I said I'd cycled to the start.  No you haven't, you've cycled to the bus, they said, the start is in Grange over Sands.  Technically correct I suppose, The next person I spoke to was Sarah, who had just cycled John o'Groats to Land's End in 9 days.  Bloody hell, these guys are good.

On the bus I mostly spoke to Cheryl and Susan, telling the latter about previous Coast to Coast efforts I'd done since 2006, probably trying to sound like I knew what I was talking about.

Sea View 2 England 1
The bus seemed to take ages, and we didn't get to Grange until around 8.20.  I thought about going out for something to eat, but England vs Uruguay was on TV so I just had a dry brunch bar I'd bought which seemed to absorb all the moisture out of my body, and a coffee.  I wasn't even disappointed about the lack of food.  I was just glad to have a sea view, and a telly and a bed.  And to get those bloody lycra shorts off that I'd had on for over 12 hours.  England lost.  I wasn't bothered about that either.  I'm used used to it now.  It hurts less now each time.

Robin Van Persie's header - possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (on a football field)
The next morning, after a breakfast of fruit salad and yoghurt, laid on early by the B&B, I went down to registration around 7.15.  One of the best decisions I made all weekend was to decline the use of a yellow day bag.  I decided to carry my own stuff in the giant seat pack I'd brought.  Just as well since the day bags seemed to spend the weekend going on a completely different trip to the riders.  I think they were having a holiday of their own.  It seemed a bit cruel of the organisers to get people to think of the stuff they might need throughout the day, and then use those essentials for a giant game of yellow hide and seek (only joking organisers!).

Milling around at the start - Would you like a day bag with that?  Er, no thanks...
I got chatting to Paul the French translator at the start, and then I introduced myself to another first timer Rebecca.  Not long after that Reggie and Wayne turned up  (I tried to write a description of them in this part, but I gave up because it's impossible to describe them with words only, you really need the sound and pictures too).  I had the great idea of trying to get my picture taken with them, to make myself look cooler by association.  I'm not sure it worked.  I probably just looked tiny instead.  I don't even have biceps.

Reggie and Wayne - So fast they can bend the very fabric of space and time
Something I found out by accident.  If you don't know anyone, wear an interesting cycling jersey, one that gets you noticed.  Good thing I chose Green Eggs and Ham.  It helped to break the ice.

Green Eggs and Ham - pretty much the only food group I didn't eat this weekend
Something else I was about to learn.  If you're going on a trip with 60 strangers, who happen to be cyclists, it's like getting to know double that number.  Because everyone looks completely different in the evening, minus lycra, crash hat etc.  At first you think it's an amazing coincidence how many people have similar life stories, but then you realise it's because you've had the same story twice off about 50 people, once with and once without lycra.

Hanging out with strangers gets a bad press at times, particularly when you're a child and you're told to avoid men who want to buy you sweets and show you puppies, but as an adult it can really work out well.  You just need to find the right group.  Over the 3 days I found that a Marie Curie Coast to Coast is a good starting point.

Hanging out with strangers - Statistically safer than hanging out with people you know
At the briefing at the start we were told basically to eat and drink loads.  We weren't so much supposed to eat as to subject ourselves to violation by food.  It was like Man vs Food on tour.  I've had so much sugar in 3 days the whole structure of my face has started to collapse.  By the last night, I couldn't even chew.  I've lost the top layer of skin off tongue and mouth.  One positive from this, is that my mouth being sore, took my mind off the outer bruises I was about to get.

Tracy, Sue and Sarah - compared to these girls I ride like something the cat dragged in
Part of the attraction of the ride was the lack of responsibility, and also that all the meals were provided.  Other rides I've done but not been able to enjoy or relax into because of the responsibility of leading, or because they've been so bloody long that I didn't feel able to relax about the distance to be covered.

Here's me looking miserable - about to ride Coast to Coast in 2012 with shoes full of water
Last time I rode through beautiful Barbondale was in 2012 on my way to Redcar.  I was about 15 miles into a 108 mile ride, my shoes were full of water from the day before and all I could think about was how far we had left to go.

At the side of Reggie's, my bike looks like a clown bike....And that's pretty much how I ride it
This time going through Barbondale I fell into a small group led by Mick with amongst others Wayne, Reggie and Rebecca for company.  One of the drawbacks of solo riding is that when the going is hard, there's nothing or no-one to distract you from your own thoughts.  There's no danger of that with Reggie and Wayne.  I've no idea what they are going on about half the time, but I'd be happy to listen to them reading out of the phone book.

Wayne and Reggie with Lorna the Marie Curie Nurse - the real star of the show
You know those supposedly soothing whale song cds they sell for about 15 quid in new age shops, which are not in the least relaxing because all you can think about is why you've spent 15 quid on this recording of absolute bollocks, well they should record Wayne and Reggie talking about stuff like why they've just eaten a Mars bar that they didn't really want, and whether they want any crisps or not.  I'd buy them.  Put that together with Rebecca's infectious laughter and those are just the kind of soothing sounds that you need around you when you're about to have a near death experience, wondering whether the pain in your chest is a pulled muscle from trying to fight to stay on the bike, or if your family history of heart disease is about to come back to bite you in a more permanent way.

Barbondale - I had time to enjoy it this time
After lunch on Day 1, and before we got to Dent Fell, we rode through the village of Dent.  I thought there must be some sort of school sports day going on, because as we rode over the cobbles into the village I could hear the sound of school children cheering.  One of the best parts of the whole weekend was discovering as we passed the school that they were actually cheering us.  If there's one thing that can make you smile and feel good about yourself, it's being cheered by schoolchildren.  What a lovely surprise!

If this doesn't make you feel like a hero, nothing will
It's just as well I had received this boost to my morale, because as Wayne had promised at the lunch stop, the whole thing was about to get a lot harder.  Let's get this straight.  Off Road to me means cycle path.  The only stunt I do regularly is riding up and down the kerb.  To me that's pretty exciting stuff.  So I started to worry slightly when the ride leaders start using words like 'quite technical' and 'a bit dangerous' and throwing in things like 'last year there was a horror smash at these traffic lights' Ride leaders always play stuff down so if they're telling you there's actual danger then you know it's time to start paying attention.

Karl, Sophie, Shaun, Vicky, Tim, Mick, Gill and Peter - with guides this good you can't really go wrong
People had been talking about Dent Fell as if it was a mythical beast.  I assumed they were exaggerating for effect.  I've been up Dent Head via the road, and although it's long and steep in places it's easy enough with low gears and a bit of stamina.  I was about to discover the off road route is something else entirely.  The start of the off road section is so vertical and rocky-looking it's easy to give up before you start.

If you're going to be slumped over your handlebars, gasping for air, the least you can do is appreciate the view
The mile or so going up Dent Fell is probably the most I've ever exerted myself on a bike in such a short space of time.  I kept losing my rear wheel on the loose surface and having to jump off, ending up slumped over the handlebars gasping for breath.  This does not happen to me on normal hills.  On tarmac I can pretty much get up anything in a low enough gear.  Eventually, on the Moonscape of Dent Fell I just ran out of energy.  I managed to get a dose of purple sludge off Mick the guide to keep me going.  I felt a bit dumb for not following the advice to eat myself silly.

Just having a pause, and waiting for the purple sludge to kick in
It seemed to take forever to reach the top, and when we did we stopped briefly to regroup.  Because Dent Fell is such slow going we'd been split into small groups prior to the ascent.  We were then sent off at intervals, in the hope of avoiding a mass pile up of bikes part way up.  The sub group I was in was led by Mick.  I'd never met any of the rest of the group until the morning of the ride, but it doesn't take long to grow together.

Mick, Wayne, Rebecca, Reggie, Andrew, Sue, Alistair (oh and me).  
Maybe it's because you're physically vulnerable, out there in the fresh air with nothing to separate you from the earth and the sky, maybe it's because you're suffering at times, maybe it's because you all look ridiculous in lycra, maybe it's a siege mentality against the hill, I don't know what it is, but the bonds formed on these kinds of trips stay with you.  I've felt it before when riding with friends, but it was a new experience to feel this way with strangers.

Here's me bonding with people I already know
If I thought that reaching the top of Dent Fell was the hard part, then I hadn't counted on what it would be like to go down the other side.  For me going down meant literally that, as in that was the part of the ride where I started falling off.

Mick the Guide - always on hand with practical advice, like 'point the bike where you want it to go', ie not down a rabbit hole
For a while now, for reasons too dull to go into, I've been feeling a lot like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense, a ghost, a dead man inhabiting his own life.  If there's anything that can remind you that you're still alive, it's riding down a hill where's there's no obvious path, and where your front wheel keeps going down invisible holes.  I fell off 3 times in about a hundred yards.  But a bit like watching England's defending at the World Cup, I started to relax into it and see the funny side.   I even started to enjoy the sensation of falling.  It was only grass it didn't hurt.  especially the temporary relief of a lie down.

If I needed any inspiration or encouragement to keep going, I just had to look around.  I met a little lady called Chris, with an Orange bike and orange helmet, who'd had quite a bad crash recently, and compared to me she was absolutely flying.  Cycling is a timeless thing, she said, which took her back to the freedom she felt riding a bike as a child.  It's almost like magic.  Whatever is going on in your life in the background, when you're on the bike, you seem to exist outside of your own life, and the limitations of time and age and circumstance.

Here's some people who've transcended Time and Space taking some photographs - there's Chris in the Orange Hat
The smallest rider of all was Lynne, but she was getting well stuck in too, so I thought, bloody hell, if these tiny women are absolutely ruling these bumpy surfaces, while I'm riding round as if my bike is made of bone china, I need to man up.

Lynne - Can you spot her?
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot there was also 78 year old Mike doing it on his little skinny tyred hybrid.  He was making us all look bad.  Especially when he was riding through foot deep puddles and crashing into hedges while I was tiptoeing through the squelch trying not to get my feet wet.

Here's Mike - making it all look easy
The first day was around 45 miles long, but to me it felt as hard as doing around double that on the road.

The first night's accommodation was at the Green Dragon in Hardraw.  Probably the thing I was most nervous about the trip was room sharing.  I got allocated a room with Steve and Ali.  As much as anything, I was worried about my own potential for snoring.  Also, it can be slightly unnerving to have a semi naked man you've just met, wander past about a foot from your head on his way to the toilet at 4 in the morning.

I probably wouldn't have noticed that kind of thing, if I hadn't been awake from 3 am.  Whether it was a time lag energy drink pile up, or just because I daren't go back to sleep in case I snored I don't know.  For ages around 4 am after both Steve and Ali had been for a toilet stop there was a lot of rustling which seemed to go on for ever, like someone taking an age to open a single boiled sweet.  It's hardly the midnight snack of champions I thought.  It turned out Steve was trying to open a packet of ear plugs.

I was very aware of not making any noise myself, but when I tried to find my I-pod to listen to some music for a while, in the dark fumbling around all I could find was the packet of Cheese and Onion crisps I'd picked up at lunch that I didn't really want.  The rustling was deafening.  I carried those crisps around for 3 days.  I only ate them after I got home.  Although by then with all the falls they were less like crisps and more like crumbs.

Day 2 - Bring the noise!
Day 2 started with some off road, and I had an early fall.  This one hurt more than the 3 the day before because this time I fell on the rocks.  Matter is supposed to be full of empty space, and allegedly all the matter in the known universe could be compressed down to the size of an infinitely dense pea.  It doesn't bloody feel like you're hitting empty space when you fall on a rock.  At the point where I fell off the surface was really loose and what I really needed to do was get off and walk, but I was about to overtake Rebecca, so I thought I'd keep going.  It was the middle aged equivalent of that teenager thing of riding your bike past a girl's house hoping she's looking out of the window and just as she is, you  ride into a lamp-post.  In both cases a voluntary dismount is probably the sensible option.


Inappropriate uses of a Polka Dot Jersey - Part 4
I'd decided to wear my Polka dot jersey on Day 2.  As well as getting me noticed, and sparking up a few conversations I did get a bit of abuse too.  Not only from Lizzie telling me I looked like a jockey I also got quite a lot of abuse from random passers by.  Mostly Yorkshire's resident senior citizens.  Telling me I was wearing it inappropriately, considering I was in the social group and nowhere near the front on the climbs.  I doubt any of them had ridden up Dent Fell the day before, but I had to admire their knowledge of the significance of the jersey.  By now I was really starting to get into the off road part of the ride, and if any road cyclists went passed us with their teeny tiny tyres and their rubbish rim brakes and their lack of rolling resistance I started thinking 'Look at those losers, they're not even trying'.

The multi-talented Beth.  Cowbell ringer, stunt camerawoman, accommodation arranger and general all round superstar
Although I've done a lot of cycling since 2005, it's always good to experience new stuff. One of the new features on this ride was the cowbells.  In fact, noise pollution seemed to be a constant feature of the ride, if we're coming through a village near you, you're going to know about it.  Also, something I've never had before on rides is a Team Dog, Lizzie and Helen's dog Tilly.

All good teams need a mascot
A lot of my previous rides have featured a token priest, or even on one occasion a token Bishop of Whitby.  On this one we had a token popstar (although his manager / agent Liz tells me he's technically a singer, not a popstar).  Alistair Griffin.  Mariah Carey he is not.  I bet she'd be a nightmare to ride with.  Alistair doesn't have an entourage (although if he ever gets one, I want to be in it).  He appears to get dressed in the dark, just wearing the first 5 items he can find on top of his drawer.   But he's like the opposite of the guys who turn up to Sportives in full Team Sky gear and then fall off on the first hill.  Instead of all the gear no idea, he's none of the gear, but he can really ride.  Although he lacks serious body fat for the flat and for the descents, he's awesome on hills.

Alistair Griffin - the nicest pop star I know (and also the only one)
For some reason Alistair kept videoing me with his Ipad during the trip.  At one point he did a full body sweep of me starting with my one sunburnt leg.  Hopefully he's going to use the footage towards a promotional video for the event, not for his own personal home use.

The lunch stop on Day 2 was at Thornton Watlass where the wonderful sunny weather and the village fete feel of the place summed up everything that's wonderful about being English and living in England.

Could staring at somebody else's cake and really wanting it be considered poor social etiquette? 
We were met there by Lorna the Marie Curie Nurse, who gave us a short talk about how valuable the fund raising part of the ride is, and she gave out some long service awards to people who've done the ride many times before.  Lorna wasn't only the star of the show for the work she does, but she also makes the most amazing cakes.  I only wish I could have eaten more of them.

Su Latham - Top cyclist and fashionista - I used to stand next to her to make myself look better by association
We finished day 2 with a crazy bit of A684 between Brompton and Osmotherley.  In Brompton we were offered hi vis jackets to wear if we wanted them.  To make myself visible from space I put on a hi vis jacket that was about 9 sizes too big.  I tried to ride this section with Susan in case she was nervous in the traffic but she kept leaving me for dead.  She seemed to be powered by jetpack, especially on the descents, whereas I was being slowed down as if I was wearing a hang glider.  Anyway, we made it without any mishaps.

Ali and Lynne - Are you sure we're in Osmotherley?  For a minute there I thought I was on the Champs Elysees
The evening of Day 2 in Osmotherley, had a French theme.  French night got an early start for me, in that the one French person on the trip, Catherine, had been sent to the youth hostel instead of me, and solving the complete room randomisation that followed was like trying to solve Fermat's Last Theorem

Here's Sophie with the rest of her girl band (and Mike)
I tried to help Sophie and Tim out with sorting out the kinks but in the end I just decided to sit on the step and wait.  Steve brought me a cup of tea, and I remember feeling very peaceful and relaxed, and as if nothing really matters.  By failing to try and exercise any control over my own circumstances I ended up with a room to myself.  Sometimes it pays just to go with the flow, and be completely passive and accept your fate.

Speaking of flow, particularly as regards water, some of it would have been useful in the one and only toilet in the hostel annexe we were staying.  The main drawback of getting the room to myself was that it was next to the toilet, so I had to listen to one cyclist after another try in vain to flush away their business.  On the plus side, the hostel had both a TV, and a kettle, so cups of tea were available.

Steve - he makes a lovely cup of tea
The French night itself in Osmotherley Village Hall was another example how much effort people had put in, except for me who had made no effort whatsoever.  Steve had brought a box of moustaches but one of them seemed to have been modelled on Hitler / Charlie Chaplin.  Chris decided to wear this.

Admittedly it's one of his lesser crimes, but Hitler has ruined the wearing of that little mini moustache for everyone.  Chris managed to look quite menacing and authoritarian.  Just as well it wasn't a Prison Guard themed night, it could have got messy.

The French night - Lots of effort from other people except me
Because I wanted to try the transformative effect of fancy dress for myself, I did borrow Steve's beret for a while, and I have to say, it did make me feel both more relaxed and more French at the same time.

Day 3 started for me with a completely unnecessary Full English, then after only 3 miles I stuffed in a Mars bar, to see if the sugar could get to my legs faster than the fat and salt.  Not sure if it worked, or it the legs just warmed up of their own accord.

Osmotherley - non-flushing toilets and unnecessary full Englishes
Day 3 seemed very stop start.  The lunch stop was a bit early (11.20) in Helmsley, but there was some hanging around because the fast group had been sent on an extra loop for a bit more challenge, and it took a while to regroup.

As I sat having lunch, with pickle dripping out of my sandwich onto my burnt legs, trying to coherently discuss the origin of the Universe, the creation of heavier elements inside supernovas and the difficulty of splitting the atom with Rebecca, I wondered what they used to do for charity rides in the first few milliseconds after the Big Bang, when everything was within an infinitely dense point the size of a pea.  No Coast to Coasts in those days.  I guess we're lucky to live in the time and space that we do now, where hills and seas and skies have been invented and we live in a beautiful country where there's not only so much amazing stuff to look at, but bikes have been invented too, so we can get to see it in extra close up.  Even luckier for me, as I got to know some individual blades of grass as they came into contact with my face.  That's the kind of stuff you miss if you can actually ride properly.

Apart from having them try and sort out the hostel room randomiser on Day 3, I hadn't really spent any time with the guides Tim and Sophie, but I spent most of Day 3 with them.  They're like the physical embodiment of youthful energy and exuberance, they seem to have no fat, only muscle and at times they made me reflect on how old, overweight and jaded I can be.  I've heard it said that youth is wasted on the young, but in their case, they seem to be making the most of it, not wasting their twenties sitting at a desk, watching Blind Date, ironing and drinking Fanta, like I did.

Tim and Sophie - can you spot them in this Police line up?
I can be quite a timid cyclist in traffic which is why I quite enjoyed bringing Critical Mass to the town of Pickering.  The guides decided that it would be quicker and safer for all concerned if we rode two (or was it 5) abreast through the town, that way we'd be too wide to overtake but shorter overall.  You can't argue with the maths.  Following as we did the minibus with it's horn permanently on, we totally owned Pickering.  At one point Tim did a passable impersonation of the Incredible Hulk, riding directly at the driver of a 4x4 who was thinking of crossing out paths.  The controlled skid to miss the driver's face by inches using a combination of bike braking and the soles of his shoes was one of the best things I saw on the trip.

As we got closer to Scarborough, I started thinking that health and safety would have a field day with this trip.  This probably occurred to me because I'd just seen Beth hanging out of a moving van window for the millionth time on the trip taking photos with the Ipad.  Considering we live in a world of risk assessments where you need to erect scaffolding to change a lightbulb, it made me really admire the level of organisation required to move such a big group across the country and keep them safe.

Hey Scarborough - we're coming and we're bringing the noise!
I really like it that there are still people out there, who are willing to put all the effort into organising a trip like this (Ruth, Vicky and Beth in particular take a bow, but all the guides and helpers too).  What a responsibility to take a bunch of almost 60 randommers Coast to Coast.

The ride makers - God bless you every one!
As someone who doesn't always like to draw attention to myself in a big crowd, the final ride into Scarborough felt a bit strange.  As we pedalled along the sea front, a giant noisy mob of yellow and fluorescent green, it was like following the camper van from Little Miss Sunshine, with the horn stuck permanently on.

The varying reactions of the people we passed was interesting.  Middle aged white people were definitely the most apathetic.  Some kids on BMXs joined in for a while.  The most enthusiastic waves we got were from several car loads of Indian families.  They're used to the sound of car horns blaring being blown all over the place, they seemed to like noise and colour.  Lots of dogs were barking, God knows what the horn was doing to their delicate hearing, but some of the most fun people to pass were little children.

Getting ready for the last push into Scarborough
Children have no idea what's going on, but they wave anyway. To them, all the noise and the colour must have been like a 3d moving kid's TV programme. To me if felt like In the Night Garden on tour.

Apparently, on In the Night Garden, the characters explore the magical place that exists between waking and sleeping in a child's imagination. I think for me, for 3 days, the magical place between sleeping and waking had been the ride.  The less magical place was the eyes wide open middle of the night feeling of 'why the hell didn't these energy drinks work during the day like they were supposed to'.  

One of the plus points of the ride - Gratuitous hugs
At the end, there was an unnecessary extra lap of a mini roundabout followed by lots of cheering, and then hugs from waiting relatives.  There wasn't anybody there to meet me, so I quickly settled into a pattern of hugs for girls, handshake for boys.  Mostly I restricted myself to one each, but I did build in some gratuitous and unnecessary extra hugs from Sophie (1)  and Rebecca (2).  I didn't go into the sea though.  I had some chocolate milk instead.

Su, Julie and Lynne - some more women who made me look bad on the ride
After the third world lack of running water situation in Osmotherley, the Crown Spa Hotel in Scarborough was something else entirely.  I got a room with another sea view.  It wasn't the same sea as on Friday morning, because we'd now crossed over to the other side.

Some of them loons went and gone in the sea
After check in at the Crown Spa, there was about 20 minutes to get showered and changed before the celebratory meal and then it was the presentation night.  I knew I had no chance of winning King of the Mountains, Sprint Champion, or Best Rider, but I was really hoping to get best newcomer.  Although there are very good reasons why Chris and Lynne shared this award, I still really wanted it.  I had a speech prepared and everything.  In the style of an Oscar also ran I tried to look happy for them and applaud, but I really wanted that white jersey.  You only get one shot at being best newcomer, and I'd blown it.  I got a medal though, and a certificate.

In the end we were all winners (but I still wanted the White Jersey!)
I have a terrible aversion to discos, so as soon as the music got turned up around 11, and those disco lights came on, I pretty much ran away.  I watched the football till nearly 1 and then I went to bed.

I was sharing a room with Steve.  I left a bedside lamp on so he wouldn't fall over on his way into the room, but like an anxious parent I kept waking up from time to time, wondering where he was.  By 5 am I was thinking he must have wandered off into the sea.  I thought about going to look for him, but then just as I was getting up at 6 he wandered in.  He was fine, he'd just been getting smashed on Jaeger bombs and sandwiches for the past 5 hours.

Nice sea view - but where the hell is Steve?  It's 5 in the morning!
I'd been contemplating riding home from Scarborough on Monday, which almost everyone had tried to talk me out of, but my resolve for this was weakened over my third totally unnecessary full English in a row.  Why do I even eat this stuff?  A lucky side effect of sitting next to him at breakfast, was that Paul offered me a lift to just West of York.  This reduced the distance I needed to cycle to only 20 miles.

Alone again - all that's left are memories (and a worrying amount of sugar residue stuck to  the roof of my mouth)
After Paul had dropped me in the village of Askham Bryan, I changed back into my Green Eggs and Ham top and set off for home.  There was no ringing of cowbells, no-one to mark the junction for me, there was no-one launching Mars bars directly into my mouth, there was no van full of Pussy.  I was lost within a minute.  I hadn't needed a brain for 3 days, and now it didn't work.  Luckily I soon found my way again, and although I wasn't exactly what you'd call mentally sharp, my legs seemed to work fine, and I was soon home.

It gets on my nerves in reality TV shows where people say they've been on a journey, when what they really mean is that they've mostly been hanging around the house practising their singing.  Well, this weekend I really did go on a journey.

Marie Curie Coast to Coasters - Way better than Avengers Assemble
When it comes to being positive in life, I need all the help I can get.  Thankfully by some fluke I've managed to hang out for the last few days with one of the most positive groups of people ever assembled.  Life affirming doesn't even begin to describe it.  They made the Avengers who got assembled in Avengers Assembled look like also rans.

I really hope that some of it has rubbed off on me.




PS.  I hope you enjoyed reading this (I enjoyed writing it).  There's still time to donate to Marie Curie if you want to.  Here's a link to my Justgiving page

PPS.  Thanks to everyone whose pictures I borrowed to help me pad out this ride report.  Reggie and Lynne in particular but there are others, I just lost track of what came from where.  





Wednesday 18 June 2014

Coast to Coast cycling and Robin van Persie's header - what have they got in common?

For some reason I only seem to cycle from Coast to Coast in the same years as major football tournaments. 2006, 2008, 2010, 2012, 2014.  2008 probably doesn't count because I gave that one up 10 miles from the coast.

Tomorrow I'm off to cycle Coast to Coast again, even though after the last one in 2012 I said never again.



My first Coast to Coast in 2006 was the official Sustrans Coast to Coast route from Whitehaven to Sunderland with Ruth and 2 other nurses. One of the nurses had a lifetime cycling history of about ten miles and the day before the ride she bought a bike from Aldi for about 50 pence, which seemed to have been built mostly out of an old anvil and a selection of soft cheeses. The brakes pretty much melted as soon as they were applied. Also, Ruth had such a heavy cold throughout that trip that she was riding round with cough medicine in her water bottle instead of water. All in all, it didn't go exactly to plan.

In 2008 and to celebrate my 40th birthday I devised an improvised Coast to Coast route based largely on the Sustrans Reivers Route. Going East to West from Alnmouth to Workington via Rothbury, Bellingham, Kielder and Carlisle. I gave that one up 10 miles from Workington, because after a series of punctures I made the terrible mistake of sitting down with a nice cup of tea in a cafe in Cockermouth, and that was it, my resolve was broken, I wasn't going any further. With hindsight, it may have been better to carry on rather than booking into the Travelodge in Cockermouth that night, especially after the thunderstorm Ruth and I got caught in whilst going out for a curry, which resulted in near hypothermia, and an attack of shivering so violent Ruth nearly smashed her own teeth out.

We battled on gamely for a while through a 3 course set Indian meal we'd ordered, but in the end, sat as we were in our soaking wet jeans, we had to forgo pudding just to get Ruth warm again under a duvet.

On my 40th birthday itself, we stayed in a wonderful B&B in Newcastleton just over the border into Scotland, but my mood was dampened somewhat by getting a text from my step daughter Becky just after I'd checked in telling me to 'Get the fuck home'.  It seems she'd written it in anger just after having been head butted in the face by her brother in an argument over the remote control.

Another slight downer of that trip was that I started out unemployed, but during it I got given a job in a call centre.  The phone call offering me the job came part way through the ride.  With hindsight, I wish I'd dropped my phone in the river 10 minutes earlier.  I think I already knew it would be a disaster.

The 2010 trip from Walney to Saltburn where we were trying to raise money for the Air Ambulance, but ended up calling out two land ambulances, and where there were some other episodes of riding into walls and falling into ditches was on the whole a great success, but I got myself a bit stressed over leading the ride. This ride and the near death experience (Redcar - Arnside - Redcar) that was the 2012 incarnation have been well documented elsewhere.

I suppose in their own way, although they were all supposed to be fun, all the above trips had their own particular stresses.

I used to say that our ride in 2010 was the most over-prepared and over-supported Coast to Coast in history, but that was before I found out about the Marie Curie ride I'm going on this week. Not only is there a support vehicle for this, there's a team of caterers following us around making all our meals for us. Literally all we have to do is pedal!

And that's exactly why I signed up for it.  I am after all a lazy cyclist, and these days I don't want to do anything else but ride.  Cycle tours I've done previously have involved far too much in the way of admin.  As well as riding the bike, there's always a load of extra shit to do like reading maps, finding somewhere to have lunch and dinner, queuing up at the bar to order your food, keeping your water bottles topped up etc.  Sometimes I get tired out on the road, physically and mentally.  I don't want to have to think about a load of non-pedalling related stuff like whether I can find my accommodation, or whether the village pub will still be serving food when I get to the end of the day.  It's supposed to be a holiday, not It's a Knockout.

What has any of this got to do with football, you may ask?  Well, the first football World Cup I ever saw was in 1978.  England weren't in it, and it didn't go too well for Scotland, but in the second round I fell in love in football terms with the team from Holland.  As a 10 year old, seeing them lose in the final to Argentina was such a disappointment but they've been my second favourite team ever since.  I'm only sorry I wasn't old enough to have seen them in 1974, when they looked even better.  When they got to the final again in 2010, I thought the disappointments of the past were about to be put right, but instead things were about to go even more wrong.

They were so intimidated by the opposition that they forgot how to be Holland and became a negative and ugly parody of their former selves, kicking lumps out of anything that moved.  The beauty that I remembered from the 70s that was periodically rekindled by players such as Van Basten, Rijkaard, Bergkamp and Seedorf was self-destructing before my eyes.

For a long time now I've been feeling a lot like Holland in the 2010 World Cup Final, although with a bit less kicking.  I've lost my way too.

On and off I've been in a bad mood since around 2008, maybe even longer.  Since then I've regularly been coming apart under various life pressures, and lapsing into spirals of negativity and faulty thinking.  Often I've felt overwhelmed, and as if I've got scrambled eggs for brains.

Recently, I've been trying to operate according to something called the 40% rule.  Instead of fouling up 100% of everything in my life by spreading myself too thin, I've been letting go of things, and just adding back the stuff I can deal with.  If I can only do 40% of what I did before but do it properly, it's better to do that than to stumble half heartedly and miserably through a world of psychological treacle.

For a while (197 days to be precise), cycling was one of the things I decided to let go of.  For too long it had become part of the problem, instead of being part of the solution.  Instead of a relaxing and fun leisure activity, it had become just another stress, another pressure.  It had turned into a 3 ring circus of bigger and bigger challenges, involving nearly getting trenchfoot, being blinded by rain, abandoning friends in barns, going round in enough layers to be Michelin Man but still being unable to stay warm etc.  At times I wasn't even able to remove my own socks.

On reflection, although some of the rides I've been on in recent years have been undoubtedly just plain nuts, some of the problem was with me too.  Like a child with an otherwise happy childhood who'd been force-fed sprouts every Sunday, for a long time all I could taste was the sprouts, and I was having trouble remembering the good bits.

Compared to times in the recent past, I'm under relatively little pressure now.  I may have taken the 40% rule a bit too far, because now I've got no job, and a lot less home and family stresses to take care of.  The lack of pressure has enabled me for now to put priority on improving my physical well being, and hopefully that will drag my mental well being along with it.

As for football, to many it's completely meaningless.  A lot of people just don't get it.  Or maybe they get it in a different way to me.  For some maybe it's just an excuse to be part of a tribe, to drink beer, eat crisps and shout at the telly.  But for me, like life in general, it's all about the narrative, about the stories that unfold.

Van Persie's header wasn't just a goal to me.  It was also a reminder that sometimes, even if we've made a complete balls up of everything, and descended into ugliness and shown the worst of ourselves, if we wait long enough, we might get another chance, to remember who we really are.  It won't change the past, but it will make us feel a hell of a lot better about the present.

At its best cycling used to give me a feeling of freedom and happiness.  Sometimes things just click out on the road and whatever turmoil is going on in the rest of life, nothing else matters.  For a long time I forgot about that part.

I'm hoping this Coast to Coast will be my own van Persie header.  If the Dutch can find the best of themselves again after a period of ugliness, I'm hoping I can too.


Friday 6 June 2014

How to cycle 100 miles in a day (or possibly how not to)

Someone once asked me (most likely a non-cyclist) how it's possible to cycle 100 miles in a day.  I'm not sure what I said, but one possible answer is this:

a) get on your bike
b) start pedalling
c) after 100 miles stop pedalling.

As well as being a bit flippant, that answer is a bit simplistic, although it does also have a ring of truth to it.

Anyway, today I've had reason to think about my answer in a bit more depth, and I've decided to add a few additional steps to my original response.  So here's a much more detailed answer to the question:

How do you cycle 100 miles in a single day?

a) Set aside a day for cycling, and then completely fail to use it.  Make sure you sleep in, then get put off by a light shower of rain in the morning.  To compound matters, try to ensure that you don't step outside even once during the entire day.  Don't even empty the bin.  Instead, spend the whole day doing completely pointless things around the house.  Google loads of inconsequential crap on the internet, spend ages thinking of pointless status updates to put on Facebook and Twitter, and waste hours and hours on other life-sucking and time-wasting ways such as spending 2 hours picking your all-time greatest World Cup XI on various sport websites.  By the end of the day, you will have cultivated the notion that you are wasting your life, and very possibly, this will lead to a coiled spring-like build up of latent energy, you may even  experience some borderline self-loathing.

Get on your bike!
Any time that you do not waste on utter pointlessness during this 24 hours of not going outside, could be spent reading some really quite depressing history books, let's say perhaps on the subject of the development of the atomic bomb, and in a wider context the move towards the indiscriminate bombing of civilians during the Second World War.  The following morning, you will wake up glad that you are not a citizen of Dresden on Valentine's Day 1945, nor are you an inhabitant of Hiroshima on 6th August 1945.  Most probably if you had been in either place, you wouldn't be waking up at all.

Not exactly light reading
b) As well as the historical reading, try and keep up to date with current news events too, on your lazy day of stupor.  If, for example, it's the 70th anniversary of D-Day, and also if it's quite close to the 25th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, be very happy that today is a day you can pretty much do what you want, and not a day you have to invade France to fight some Nazis, or alternatively go into town to protest against a totalitarian regime.  Use a combination of the latent energy build-up from your day of pointlessness in tandem with your gratitude at having been born in a very lucky time and place, to get your ass into gear.  Get up early on this blessedly free Day 2, and get on your bike.

c) it's always a good idea not only to get an early start, but get an early start on a day in June.  If you manage to set off around 7.30 am, this will give you around 14 hours of daylight for your ride.  This will allow you not to panic about the passage of time.  To help you with this, arrange for there to be nothing or no-one at home who is depending on your safe return.  If you've a partner, try and ensure they're out at work for at least 12 hours, and even better, try and engineer a split from them prior to the ride.  This will mean that when you crawl home later, you will be able to pass out in the bath, and you won't need to cook them a meal.  If you have a dog, get someone to look after him for you, or alternatively wait until he's dead before setting off.  If he's already been cremated, he won't need to go outside for a wee.

d) don't take any lights.  although it's not a race, you don't want to dawdle either.

e) conventional wisdom might say that to prepare for a 100 mile bike ride, doing some cycling would be a good idea, but as an alternative, perhaps you could spend 6 weeks or so prior to the ride, not doing much in the way of cycling, but instead how about suddenly taking up running after a 12 year gap, thereby embarking on a concerted attempt to destroy your own knees before the ride.  

f) again conventional wisdom might say that to do a long ride, you should pick a fast bike.  A way to get around this is not to decide in advance that you're going to attempt to ride 100 miles.  That way, you may well end up riding by far the slowest bike of the 3 you own, a mountain bike perhaps.  This will make it more of a challenge.  Make sure you're at least 10 miles from home before you start thinking about a century, this will make it unlikely that you'll want to go home and swap bikes.

Possibly another bike would have been faster?
g) In case your initial rage / disappointment with yourself from the day before should start to run a little low during the ride, keep topping it up by visiting lots of places that remind you of relationships that you've managed to screw up.  For example, you could spend some time looking for and failing to find a bench you used to sit on with our girlfriend in Boston Spa when you were a teenager, or you could also cycle through some places that remind you of time spent with your wife, another relationship where things have now gone utterly pear shaped.  Good examples of this for me would be Beningborough Hall, Easingwold, Fountains Abbey etc.

h) Another good motivator is to keep going past places which remind you of horrible events from the historical past, which you are lucky enough not to be part of.  On my own ride, these were such things as a monument to the Battle of Bramham Moor 1408, and a monument outside York dating back to the 17th Century where people could meet safely and not catch the plague.  These kind of things can remind you that things could always be worse.

My legs are a bit sore from cycling, but thankfully I'm not going to be hacked to death in a sword fight today
i) If you start to suffer from physical or mental fatigue particularly during the latter half of the ride, keep reminding yourself that you are lucky not to be being bombed, or conscripted into a war, and that it's only a bit of tiredness, which will pass.

Yorkshire Humour - at first I thought a man trimming his hedge had got into difficulty
j) even though you are making it up as you go along, try and pick a fairly flat ride, and also pick one that is on roads you know reasonably well.  That way, you won't need to waste time looking at the map too often.  If possible use a combination of a previous 100 mile route which you've ridden several times, added to which you could use the route of an Audax which you've also ridden a few times.  If you do take a few wrong turns due to faulty memories, try and only take enough of them so to ensure that when you get home, you've ridden as close to exactly 100 miles as possible.  No point doing any extras, and also it's never much fun if you underestimate and then you have to do laps of your own street to get over the 100 mile mark.

k) if you can, go it alone.  This will cut down on any time you might need to spend waiting for people, arguing about the route, or generally having a conversation.  This will also help in making any food stops pretty short, as you will be able to concentrate on shovelling food in asap instead of speaking.  In the absence of someone to talk to, try riding through Yorkshire in the period leading up to the Tour de France coming to the area.  This will keep you amused looking at the efforts local villages have made to embrace the event.

Good effort this one
l) to give yourself some extra incentive to get out there, try signing up for some events in the near future which you are currently nowhere near fit enough to do.  Having some goals which you're a little bit intimidated by will help you get the bike out of your spare bedroom and onto the road.

m) try and choose a route which goes through some medium sized towns but make sure these are towns which you've been to before and which you either know how to get in and out of quickly, or you know how to skirt the edges of without actually going into.  This will save time getting lost in one way systems or pedestrianised precincts.  It's also helpful to pick towns which don't have a train station.  This means that if you're flagging sometime after halfway you won't have the option of cutting the ride short, and you'll just have to keep going.  Good examples of this would be Easingwold, Ripon and Wetherby.

n) try and have the foresight to plan ahead, so that you live somewhere where you can get a hot bath after the ride.  This should help bring back some feeling into the legs which you have almost destroyed.  Possibly not such a great idea is to place the bath inside a second floor flat though, as you will then add insult to injury carrying your bike up the stairs.

Well, that's pretty much it!  There you have it, the secret of my success!

As with any advice, I wouldn't expect you to follow it exactly to the letter.  It's more of a guide really, based on my own experiences over the last 48 hours, 48 hours where I sat around all day yesterday getting into the mindset that I'm wasting my life, and then today I rode 100.95 miles, probably on the wrong bike and with very little training.  I was out about 11 and a half hours to do that, but I probably rode for under 10 hours altogether as I had stops at 25, 40 and 67 miles (pork pie, Lucozade, fruit scone in that order).

I've just looked back on some stats from the last 7 years, which revealed that today was my 14th ever ride of over 100 miles in a day.  It's the first time I've done one completely solo since my first ever one in 2007, when I was testing out the first 100 mile route I ever designed.

Today was the first time I've ever done 100 miles on a mountain bike, and it's also the first time ever I only decided to make it a century ride after I'd set off.  Normally I plan these things to death, and work it all out in advance, but today, powered on by a bucketful of rage at myself for wasting yesterday, along with a measure of gratitude for a beautiful summer's day in which I wasn't being bombed, forced to fight in a war, or otherwise oppressed in any way, off I went.

Given all of the above, I'd have to say it went pretty well.  I'm a bit tired now though...